


What's Left of Us

by EscapingReality51



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Communication, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-11 09:09:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10461189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingReality51/pseuds/EscapingReality51
Summary: I have a thing for allowing characters to communicate - so here it goes. Robert and Aaron having that painful conversation. Canon compliant.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have a thing for allowing characters to communicate - so here it goes. Robert and Aaron having that painful conversation. Canon compliant.

“Why did you do it?” Aaron asks, and Robert’s heart clenches.

It’s the question he has been asking himself since it happened, since he cheated on Aaron, since he decided that the pain was too much, and he needed to lash out. It was the question whose answer was too painful, made his stomach churn and his chest ache, but if there was ever a time to say it out loud, it’s now.

They are sitting in the backroom of the pub, Robert in a chair by the table, and Aaron in the sofa, his elbows resting on his knees. They are both wearing their wedding rings. They are both exhausted.

“You hurt me, Aaron… I was so angry, I thought I had lost you forever, I thought we were over,” Robert begins, taking in a deep breath before he continues, “I don’t know why I did it… but I know I regret it every single minute of every day, Aaron.” 

Aaron nods and runs a hand over his face. 

“I know, I shouldn’t have said those things, I know that we need to talk to each other if this is going to work, I know that now… so I need to know… Why did you do it?”

Robert is silent, afraid to talk, afraid of what might happen if he tells the truth. If Aaron finds out…

“I’ve always… I’ve always disappointed people. People have left, or died, or sent me away, and I got used to being the disappointment. I got used to being someone else, someone I wasn’t, to avoid it.”

“I know, Robert, but I need to -” Aaron starts, and Robert puts a hand up, silencing him. 

“Let me get this out… When I met you, and you made me realise I could be myself, I didn’t know how to accept it, that I was enough. I’ve never been enough,” Robert emphasises the last word, the sting of it real in his mind, trying to convey the truth behind it, “until I met you, I was never enough. Seeing you, being with you, I started to realise that maybe, if I was myself, I could make someone happy, I could be happy myself. When you said that I was no use to you, I became that person again, that person who is pushed away, beaten down, the constant disappointment… and I did was I used to do, I lashed out, I wanted…” he pauses, lifting his blurry eyes from the floor to look at his husband, “I wanted to hurt you, like you’d hurt me.” 

Aaron rubs his hands together, letting out a deep sigh.

“Why did it have to be  _ her _ ?” Aaron breathes out, and Robert flinches.

“She was there, it was easy… it was nothing, Aaron, I swear, it meant nothing.” 

“You must have known what it would do to me… You knew I would be sitting here imagining you two going at it, seeing you with her in my mind over and over again. You must have known how it would hurt me, to be with her.” 

Robert lets out a shaky breath, and Aaron wipes away a tear.

“I can’t look at you without seeing you with her. I can’t stand the thought that she is the last person you kissed, that she is the last person you had sex with, I -”

“I’ve been trying to rub my skin off since it happened, I hate the thought of it not being you -” Aaron flinches at the words, and Robert stops talking. 

“You did it anyway, though, didn’t ya.” 

Robert nods, and leans back in the chair.

“I am not going to pretend I didn’t know it would hurt, I knew that. I wanted to hurt you, and I hate myself for it. You hurt me first, and I’m not trying to make excuses, but you need to understand… I couldn’t cope without ya, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I could barely function. The thought of getting you out was the only thing keeping me sane, the only thing keeping me going. And then you go on and tell me I’m useless to you, and it hurt, Aaron, I… I didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what was holding me from breaking down. So I broke down.” 

A pause settles between them, and Robert fixes his eyes on his husband, whose face is stricken with silent tears. He doesn’t know what to say, so he says nothing, waiting for Aaron, as he has waited before.

“You know what the worst thing is?” Robert doesn’t answer, instead opting to trace his husbands face with his eyes, drinking it in just in case. “The worst thing is, I hate myself for putting you there. I was lying to you, I thought keeping quiet was going to make it better, but I know now that I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve been stronger, and I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can get past this, Robert.” 

Robert swallows and feels his heart crumble.

“I understand, Aaron, I do… I’ve hurt you, and I’ve hurt you before, and I can’t promise I won’t do it again. I just need you to know that you are it for me. I have never loved anyone like I do you, and what I did, I didn’t do because I wanted her, or I wanted to get out. I did it because I thought I had lost you,” Robert says quietly, their eyes never leaving each other as they look at what could have been. “I don’t know how to make it up to you, but I know I need to sort myself out, and I want to do it with you, but I understand if you don’t want to look at me, or touch me, or be with me, anymore.”

Aaron lets out a small sob, and Robert fights the urge to take the pain away.

“I don’t know, Robert… I’ve told you what happened to me, and I need help, I need to sort myself out as well.” Robert nods, hoping the smile on his face doesn’t betray his aching. “I can’t be in a relationship where we do our best to hurt one another, it’s not healthy, I don’t want to do that to you.”

“Aaron, you need to understand, you did not cause this. You hurt me, and I was in a bad way, but I chose this, I chose to break us -”

“I broke us too,” Aaron admits, and Robert sighs. “I should’ve talked to you.”

“I don’t ever want to hurt you again, it costs me too much, I can’t do it. You need to figure out if you want to work on this, on us, and if you do, I will do everything it takes. If you can’t forgive me, then I understand, but know that I will never stop loving you. Your happiness is the most important thing to me, whether with me, or without me.” Robert gets up, and Aaron’s eyes follow him, questioning.

“You need to think, so I’m going to stay at Vic’s - ask Adam, he’ll know I’m there, if you need to check. I love you, I don’t want anyone else, man or woman. Come and find me, when you know what you decide.” Robert tears his eyes away from Aaron’s, and each step he takes towards the door is a dagger in his chest, but he keeps walking.

“Robert?” Aaron asks, and Robert stops and turns around. He is now standing on the other side of the sofa, fists clenched and knuckles white. “I still love you, but I don’t know if I can forgive you.”

Robert sighs, and gives a small nod.

“I understand, Aaron,” he says, and walks out the door.

 

-

 

Vic takes him into her arms and her home, but nothing can soothe the pain in his heart. 

His days pass in a blur, his heart breaking every morning as he wakes up in an empty single bed. 

He stays away from everyone, knowing that people know what has happened, and knowing he can’t face their anger, or their snide remarks about how he has managed to hurt their Aaron, and how they should have known he was no good for him.

Because they were right.

He has managed to do it, lose the one thing that he loved the most, hurt the one person he loved the most. And it’s almost too much to stomach.

He goes to counselling, at first because he said to Aaron he would, but steadily he realises that maybe getting help can make him feel better, and he keeps going. 

He sees Aaron around town, but they don’t speak, they barely exchange glances, and Robert’s mind tries to reconcile himself with being in the periphery of Aaron’s life, tries to convince him it’s enough.

He throws himself into his work, hoping that tiring himself out will make sleep come to him easier, but it doesn’t. 

It’s punishment, he thinks as he eats dinner with Vic and Adam in the small kitchen, Adam obviously infuriated with him. It only makes sense, he is infuriated whenever he looks himself in the mirror. The self-loathing that Aaron suppressed creeps back into his life, and he welcomes it, for once knowing that in this case, it is deserved. His counsellor says it isn’t healthy, and he’s probably right, but he can’t let go, not just yet. 

He can’t let go of Aaron, and he doesn’t want to, not quite yet.

 

-

 

The knock at the door is soft, and Robert sets down his morning cup of coffee, slowly walking out to the front door. 

Weeks have passed, and the hole is his chest is slowly rebuilding.

He opens the door and the wedding ring on his finger catches the light, a memento he isn't ready to take off. The air is knocked out of him as he looks outside of the door.

Aaron.

He has bags under his eyes, he looks exhausted, haunted by memories Robert can only imagine. He looks like Robert’s future, and it hurts, because he isn’t. Not anymore. 

“What are you doing here?” Robert asks quietly, resigning himself to a position as an outlier in Aaron’s life, a bad story he tells to his future husband, a sad memory he keeps for the bad days, when Aaron steps closer to him, and it shatters.

“I miss you, Rob, and I know, we need to work on stuff, we need to figure stuff out, but I don’t want to do this without you anymore. I love you, and even though I haven’t forgiven you yet, I want to, so badly…” Robert stands motionless in the doorway, mouth ajar, his mind blank. “Don’t give up on me, please, not yet.” 

Robert nods, and Aaron gives him a small smile, before they are hugging and Robert can’t remember the last time he felt so whole. They break apart, too fast, but for now, it’s enough to know that there’s something worth fighting for, and damn it if Robert isn’t going to spend every waking moment fighting.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop writing this, so here is what I want to happen with their reconciliation.

They are sitting in Vic’s kitchen this time, solemn expressions on their faces, their hands on the table as if brokering a peace deal. 

“How do we do this?” Robert asks tentatively, his eyes slipping to Aaron’s hand that holds no wedding ring. He can’t help but wonder where he has stashed it, or if he has thrown it in the lake.

“I don’t know - we talk, I guess,” Aaron says, shrugging. “I need to know what you’re thinking, what you’re going through, and I want you to know how I am.”

“I want that, too,” Robert insists, and the smile Aaron gives is almost believable. 

“I want to forgive you, I want to be able to not see the two of you when I close my eyes, I need to be able to let go of what happened… but that probably means I’m going to have to talk to you about it, as well,” Aaron says quietly. 

They are not touching, instead sitting far enough away from each other that they aren’t in danger of doing so, although with Aaron, Robert is always in danger of doing something.

“I’m getting help,” Robert admits, and Aaron nods at him, smiling.

“I’m glad - I am too,” Aaron says.

Robert clears his throat in an attempt to force himself to speak, and Aaron looks up expectantly.

“I miss you, Aaron… I still love you, and I will do anything to get you back.” 

Aaron nods and shrugs his shoulders.

“I don’t want us to be the kind of people who hurt each other, but I hurt too much not seeing you. I want to make this work, even though I know it isn’t going to be easy, but I gave up on us once, and look where that left us,” Aaron lets out a small chuckle, but Robert can’t make himself laugh with him. His wounds are still too raw, too recent.

“I want us,” Aaron says, and lets his fingertips graze the hand upon which Robert wears his wedding ring. “It might take a while, but I want us to be us again.” 

“Me too,” Robert says, but it barely comes out as a whisper, his whole body intent upon Aaron’s hand on his. It has been so long since they last touched like this, tenderly, and a warmth is spreading through his body that he never thought he would feel again.

Aaron pulls his hand back, and Robert feels his eyes on him, meets them even though it feels like it’s all too much, and he might break under Aaron’s gaze.

“So,” Robert says, drinking Aaron in, “we talk?” 

“Yeah,” Aaron pauses, “I think we do.”

“What about we have a coffee, tomorrow, at the café? I know your mum isn’t too pleased with me, so the pub isn’t an option, and that gives us time to sleep on it, see how we feel?” 

“Do you need to sleep on it?” Aaron asks, and Robert lets out his first smile.

“No, not at all. I’ve never been more certain about something in my life as I am about working through this, with you.” 

Aaron bites his lips and shrugs. 

“Until tomorrow, then.”

 

-

 

They start slow, meeting for a coffee, or going for walks, and talking. Just talking. 

It’s hard, at first; Robert has never been one to share this much of himself, and Aaron is usually the quiet one. The awkwardness is palpable, but Robert doesn’t give up, forcing Aaron to talk, even, at first, if it is just about how Liv is going, and how much Chas wants to rip out his throat for agreeing to work it out.

Soon, they start divulging information no one has heard before.

Aaron talks about his dad, and prison, about the awful and horrible things that happened, and Robert lets him say everything, not interrupting even to wrap his arms around him, because he knows he doesn’t have that privilege yet.

Robert talks about his parents, his family, about all the people who have made him feel like less, and about his sexuality, how he came to accept it, and how he thinks Aaron hasn’t.

 

-

 

Aaron and Liv move into the Mill. Robert does not.

He does help, moving boxes, unpacking the kitchen he meticulously put together, trying to distance himself from it, but he can’t help but smile at seeing Aaron at home here. Aaron deserves somewhere he can call home with his sister, and Robert helps them as little as he can, trying to give them space to move and settle. Aaron smiles and thanks him, all the while keeping Robert at a distance. Aaron seems happy, and that is all that matters.

He buys a new bed, though. 

 

-

 

“Come over for dinner, tonight?” Aaron asks one day as they are exchanging pleasantries in the portacabin. Their truce has allowed them to both work there at the same time, although Adam still wants to punch Robert, and tells him so, frequently.

“Sure Liv wants me there?” Robert asks, and Aaron shrugs. 

“She misses you, even though she hates you,” Aaron smiles, and Robert’s face falls.

“I need to apologise to her as well,” Robert says. Aaron doesn’t react at first, sitting perfectly still and thinking, before he finally speaks, and the words lie heavy in the air.

“She hasn’t forgiven me, either.”

Robert takes it as a sign that maybe Liv was the one fighting for their family most of all.

 

He arrives at the Mill just as Aaron is bringing in take-out and they smile at each other.Liv sees him and shrugs, interrupting their happy moment.

“What’s he doing ‘ere?” she says, feigning indifference, and Robert tries his best to not let the words cut and bruise.

“I told you, Liv, we’re not ignoring each other anymore. He’s here to have dinner with us, so I bought food.”  

“Not hungry,” Liv states, and Robert looks at Aaron.

“Give us a minute, yeah?” 

Aaron nods and puts the bags on food on the kitchen table before leaving the room. 

“Liv, I need to talk to you,” Robert starts. Liv sits on the sofa, feet tucked under her, eyes intently looking at the telly, and she waits a while before answering.

“What about?” 

“I need to apologise.”

At this, she turns her head, and looks at him with hard eyes.

“What for?” 

Robert shoves his hands in his pocket, uncomfortable, but glad to finally get it off his chest.

“For ruining everything, for being an idiot, and most importantly, for giving up on us.” 

Liv looks down at the floor, and Robert thinks maybe he can see her tearing up. She nods, a gesture that is so Aaron it makes his heart ache in his chest. She moves her eyes back to the screen, and Robert sits down next to her. She doesn’t protest, which in itself is big, all things considering. 

“I’ve missed you, you know,” Robert says after a few minutes, and Liv gives him a small smile.

“Missed you too… Now you two just need to sort yourselves out, alright?” 

Robert nods, but refrains from saying anything when he hears Aaron walk back into the room.

Liv abruptly gets up, and walks to the stairs.

“I’m not hungry, stomach is a bit off,” she says quickly, looking suggestively between the two of them. “You don’t have to check on me, I’ll probably be asleep really quickly, so you two just, have fun, chat, and I’ll… go.”

She runs up the stairs and Aaron gives Robert a shrewd look.

“Do you believe one word of that?” 

Robert shakes his head, and Aaron lets out a chuckle. The air between them shifts slightly, so little Robert isn’t sure it’s there, but Aaron looks at him with a smile in his eyes that hasn’t been there for a while. He seems at ease, and Robert’s stomach flutters.

They eat their curries together in comfortable silence, occasionally talking about the house, the business, anything that comes to mind. 

Aaron is through most of his food by the time he sets the fork down, sighing.

“I’m tired of all this take-out,” he says and Robert looks at him questioningly.

“Thought you would eat at the pub most days?”

“Nah, I try not to be there too often, to be honest. Mum isn’t too pleased with me at the moment, and Vic always comes over asking questions I don’t have the answer to.”

“Right,” Robert says, his good mood deflating. “I’m sorry, for causing so much trouble.”

“We’ve talked about this, it’s on both of us. We both made stupid mistakes,” Aaron says gently, reaching his hand across the table, and taking Robert’s hand in his. It’s such a new and yet familiar gesture, Robert doesn’t know what to do, so he just sits in it, enjoying it, revelling in it.

“You know,” he says, breaking the silence that started when their hands touched, “I could come and cook for you, sometime… if you want.”

Aaron smiles at him, and squeezes his hand before pulling it back.

“I mean, only if you don’t think it’ll be weird, I don’t want to intrude or anything,” Robert starts, but Aaron silences him with a laugh.

“I think it would be good, yeah.”

 

-

 

They still haven’t touched, not really, since Aaron got out. 

There has been the occasional shoulder pat, Aaron might briefly hold Robert’s hand, but never more than that. Robert doesn’t want more, not if they aren’t ready. 

With Aaron out, he can even more clearly see what an idiot he was; Robert feels like a different person around him, and maybe that’s why it happened more than anything. Not that he blames anyone but himself.

They aren’t anywhere near normal, not yet, but Robert wants him, wants all of him, and getting to see Aaron be himself is the most intoxicating thing Robert has ever witnessed.

Aaron can be maddeningly sexy, even while doing the most mundane tasks, and Robert finds himself looking at him, wanting him, and the few times Aaron catches him gazing, it doesn’t seem awkward or forced, he just smiles or lift an eyebrow. They have always been excellent at the physical aspects of the relationship.

They just aren’t quite there yet.

 

-

 

Robert sneaks in with the help of Liv, bags filled to the brim with food. If he’s going to show Aaron he can really cook, he needs to do it properly, with steak, fries, homemade bearnaise sauce and a grilled aubergine salad. Simple, but amazing when done right, and Robert can do it right.

He moves around the kitchen as if it were his own, finding all the pots and pans needed, and grabbing the apron hanging behind the kitchen door so as to not stain his clothes. 

Robert can’t help but enjoy himself, preparing potatoes, laying out the steaks, preparing the sauce, and his heart leaps when he hears the front door opening and Aaron coming home. 

“What’s this?” he asks, and something seems a bit off, but Robert ignores it, too pleased to want to ruin it.

“Thought I’d treat you to a meal - you mentioned a few days ago that you were dreading today, so I thought I might come over at make it a bit better. Potatoes are in the oven, with rosemary and garlic, and I didn’t want to start on the steaks and bearnaise until you were home, but we’re all ready to go,” Robert says, smiling. For the first time in a long time, he feels like he’s doing something right, like maybe they can fix this, and truly be happy.

Aaron smiles briefly before his grin falls. 

“I saw Rebecca today,” he admits, and Robert’s hopes crash to the ground.

He is stunned, speechless, doesn’t know what to think as Aaron sits down and looks at him with sad eyes. 

“How much of that night do you even remember?” Aaron asks him slowly, and Robert shrugs. 

“Does that really matter?” Robert asks, not wanting to dredge up that night, what he did, how he ruined  _ everything. _

“It matters to me,” Aaron says grimly.

Robert takes a deep breath, bracing himself for what is to come. 

“I remember… texting her to come over, I remember talking to her as friends, I thought… anyway,” he takes a deep breath, and stands behind the kitchen counter, “I remember saying some really bad things, things I know I didn’t mean, I swear, Aaron. I remember,” he flinches, and runs a hand over his face, “I remember leaning down to kiss her, I remember going towards the bed with her… and I don’t remember much more after that, to be honest.” Which is true - he has vague memories of the actual act, but it’s nothing more than flickers, like a lightbulb about to die. 

Aaron’s leg is moving up and down nervously, his hands rubbing together. He’s looking at the floor and Robert’s insides churn with the visible pain coursing through Aaron’s body.

“What did you want to say, you stopped yourself -” Aaron starts, and Robert puts a hand up.

“Please, Aaron, I don’t want you to think I’m making excuses,” Robert says quietly.

“Say it… we said we would be honest with each other, please, Robert.” 

He breathes in again, sighing before he continues.

“I thought we were friends, I texted her because I wanted a friend, and I never meant… I didn’t do it with the intention of sleeping with her, I swear. I don’t even remember the idea coming to me, but I remember initially coming on to her, and being rejected,” he pauses, shifting his feet in embarrassment and shame, “and for some reason I persisted, and she let me. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in our bed, to someone who isn’t you, and I -” he stops talking for fear of breaking down, his self-loathing creeping through his veins, setting his skin on fire. 

“She’s not your friend, in that case,” Aaron concedes, and Robert keeps his blurry eyes fixed on the floor.

Robert breaks the silence after he has held back his tears sufficiently to think that they won’t fall.

“What did she say to you?” he asks, tentatively, not wanting to know, but needing to know all the same.

Aaron shrugs, his mouth turning to a frown before speaking.

“Nothing really… she said she still loved you, and that you had wanted her all along. Tried to bait me into getting angry by saying all sorts of things that make my skin crawl. Claimed you two were still at it -” Aaron was cut off.

“That absolute cretin, I’m not seeing her anymore Aaron, I swear, I have barely spoken to her since it happened… I wouldn’t do that, I love you too much,” Robert says, his voice insistent, his tone pleading.

“I just… I hate it, Robert, I hate imagining the two of you at it, I hate her smirk knowing she had you, I hate that people were right, that you would hurt me, and you did…. I hate that you turned to her,” Aaron sighs, letting a tear trickle down his cheek.

“I know, and I hate myself for it, you know that,” Robert whispers, and Aaron nods.

The timer goes off on the potatoes, and Robert mutters a quiet curse as he switches it off. They don’t speak, and Robert doesn’t know whether to stay or leave the house, give Aaron time to think it through.

“Have there been others?” Aaron suddenly asks, eyes fixed on Robert’s face. 

“What d’you mean?” 

“Have there been others? Have you slept with anyone else?” Aaron asks again, and Robert shakes his head.

“I’m not making that mistake again, Aaron,” he answers, his chest heavy with guilt. 

“And you only slept with her once?” Aaron says, wincing visibly at the words.

“Yes, only once, and it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made, I knew that as soon as I woke up, I swear.”

Aaron nods, and Robert switches off the oven before taking off the apron and putting it back on its peg. 

“There’s a salad in the fridge, ready to eat, and the potatoes are done… I’ll put the steaks in the oven and leave you to it, ok?” 

Aaron nods again, a quick and concise movement that is more a dismissal than anything else. 

 

-

 

They meet again a few days later, Robert haggard and exhausted, worried sick. They have always circled around this issue, of Aaron not trusting him, not trusting that he wants him, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. Maybe it isn’t up to him, and that scares him the most.

“Alright?” Aaron says, sitting down opposite him in the café.

Robert shrugs in reply, and Aaron runs a hand over his own face, looking equally tired.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Aaron says quietly, hands resting in his lap. “It riled me up, seeing her, hearing her say those things about you… I hate that you went to her and I don’t know how to get past it.”

Robert nods solemnly. Bob comes down with two coffees and Robert throws him a quiet thank you, eyes fixed on Aaron’s face.

“I know I haven’t been great at accepting who you are - I know I should’ve been better at accepting that you are bisexual, and you’ll be attracted to both. I just can’t help thinking that I can’t be enough for you, I can’t give you,” he pauses, looking around to see if anyone is eavesdropping, before continuing, “I’m worried I can’t give you what you want. You sleeping with Rebecca… it only makes it worse in my head, that as soon as I’m unavailable, you throw yourself into her arms.” 

Robert sits still, not knowing what to say at this. 

“I know I need to fix this on my own as well, I need to deal with my issues, and I’m sorry I didn’t believe you when you said I was enough,” Aaron admits, biting his lip. “It just makes it hurt even more, though.”

“What I did with Rebecca had nothing to do with you not being enough, and everything to do with me not being enough. I thought we were over, that I was useless to you… It was me trying to hurt you, and I’m so sorry for that, you know I am.”

Aaron shrugs, shrinking in on himself, and Robert places his hand with his wedding ring on the table.

“Aaron, I am always going to find other people attractive, men and women, but you are the love of my life. I will keep telling you that, because it’s true. Nothing compares to you, I only want you, and me sleeping with Rebecca was me self-destructing, because that is what I always do.”

Aaron’s eyes are fixed on Robert’s hand, his bottom lip quivering. 

“I know it’s bad, and I know I need help, because even sat here with your wedding ring on, I can’t believe ya,” he admits, wiping a tear away with his sleeve.

“Then I’ll have to make you believe me,” Robert says quietly, touching the ring on his finger. “I’ll not stop saying it until you do.”

Aaron looks up at him and smiles. 

“I’ll be better, I want to accept you, all of you. Like I know you have.”

Robert smiles back and feels a weight lift off his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come and find me on tumblr: escapingreality51
> 
> leave kudos and comments and I hope you enjoy :)


	3. Chapter 3

 

Vic has always supported him, and slowly she also starts to forgive him, to not berate him for being an idiot, but try and help him become better.

They talk. Robert tells her more about himself than he thought he ever would. One thing he has to give her, she is amazing at people, and he starts finding relief in her stern but kind face, in her insight and suggestions, and in her ability to read people.

It one of these talks when he decides to tell her the worst of it.

“Dad knew,” he suddenly says, and she looks at him questioningly.

“Knew what?”

“Knew I was into boys.”

She grips her cup of tea tighter, and takes a deep breath.

“What happened?”

He tells her everything; the boy working at the farm, whom she can barely remember, that Robert knew quite quickly that he liked him, and soon found out the feeling was mutual. Told her how they were caught, just as they were getting _somewhere_ , but Dad was furious. She lets out a small gasp as he tells her about being beaten for it, and the boy being sacked, placing her hand on his arm and squeezing.

“I was never the person he wanted, the son he wanted. When he found Andy, he found everything he needed, and I was tossed aside. I tried for so long to pretend it was nothing, that being who I was meant working towards being the person Dad wanted, but with Aaron I couldn’t hide. He lets me be myself, and that is worth any of the pain I went through. Finding him, it meant everything.”

Victoria takes a sip of her cup, and tries to wipe away a tear without Robert noticing. He does.

“I’m glad you told me, Robert, and I hate that he made you feel like that, that he made you think it was wrong, because it’s not,” she adds, and Robert gives a short smile.

“I know that now,” Robert says, “but I’ve never been enough, not until Aaron. That day, when I was visiting, he told me I wasn’t enough for him anymore, and I fell back into being that person, I wanted to hurt him… not that I blame him, the choice to sleep with her was mine, but I was in a bad way, and feeling like that again, I couldn’t handle it.”

Vic is kind, kinder maybe than she should be, as she leans her head against her shoulder and places her hand on his.

“I’m proud of ya, Robert. You’ve changed, for the better, you’ve become someone who admits when he’s wrong, who fights for the people he loves, and I’m glad to have you as my brother.”

Robert smiles, and for the first time in his life, he feels like maybe Vic is right; maybe he can be proud of being himself, flaws and issues and all.

 

-

 

Aaron shows up at Vic’s one morning, sweating and beautiful and Robert is speechless.

“You alone?” Aaron asks quickly, and Robert nods, feeling a shift in the air, an expectant tone he almost didn’t notice - it has been too long since he last felt it.

He is about to speak when he sees Aaron almost lunge forwards, grabbing his waist and pressing their lips together in a needy kiss.

Robert stands immobile as Aaron assaults his senses; it’s Aaron, on his lips, on his body, after so long, and finally his body reacts instinctively, pulling Aaron in at the waist and deepening the kiss, moaning at the feeling of Aaron’s tongue against his own.

He has almost forgotten the feeling of kissing Aaron, stubble grazing against his skin, passion laced in every touch, the smell of him filling Robert’s mind and sending all the blood in his body straight to his cock.

His mind kicks in, and he pulls away, seeing a confused look on Aaron’s face.

“Don’t you want this?” Aaron asks quietly, and Robert nods enthusiastically, gaining a smile from Aaron.

“I don’t understand, I thought we were waiting, figuring stuff out?” Robert asks tentatively, and Aaron bits his lip.

“We’ve waited so long, and I want you…” his voice trailed off and Robert felt the evidence against his thigh.

“ _Fuck_ , Aaron…” he pulls him in for a kiss before breaking away again. “I just want to know that we’re doing this for the right reasons, I don’t want us moving too fast -”

“I miss ya, I want ya… now get your kit off.”

Robert surges for Aaron’s lip, capturing them in a searing kiss that has Aaron chuckling against him. Robert eagerly kisses Aaron back, biting on that lip, opening his mouth and curling his tongue behind Aaron’s teeth. They stumble up the stairs to Robert’s small bedroom, and they fall onto the small bed simultaneously, itching to get their hands on each other.

Robert pulls of Aaron’s t-shirt and immediately runs his hands along Aaron’s chest, caressing the skin he has been aching to touch for months and months. Seeing Aaron needing, wanting, is almost too much, and he attaches his lips to Aaron’s throat when Aaron throws his head back, biting and licking.

Aaron’s arms are wrapped around Robert’s back, and Robert want to touch everything, feel _everything_ , his hands wandering mercilessly to Aaron’s arse, sneaking under the briefs, grabbing and pulling him closer. Aaron’s moan at his touch is bordering on indecent, and they scramble to get the rest of their clothes off as quickly as possible.

“Aaron, you are so fucking sexy,” Robert whispers as Aaron’s stubble traces a path down his chest.

“Good,” he says, biting at the skin under Robert’s naval and making Robert hiss. “Don’t want you forgetting it anytime soon.”

“Impossible,” Robert says deeply, and Aaron lifts his head from Robert’s stomach.

Aaron’s eyes are unguarded, lustful, _happy,_ and Robert wants to drown in them.

Before he has the chance, Aaron grins up at him and takes Robert into his mouth, taking all the air out of Robert’s lungs simultaneously.

This is definitely not how Robert thought the day was going to go.

Aaron works up and down Robert’s length, alternating between sucking and sliding his tongue along the shaft, driving Robert almost to the edge and before long Robert feels that familiar heat pool in his stomach indicative of sweet release. Aaron must be able to tell how close he is, because he pulls off, and Robert lets out a slow breath.

“Fuck, Aaron,” he whispers and they kiss, Robert shivering at the taste of himself on Aaron’s tongue.

“How about you do that to me?” Aaron whispers, pulling lube and a condom from his trouser pocket.

“You really want this?” Robert asks quickly, wanting to make absolutely sure before he loses control.

“Robert, I came over here, I dragged you upstairs, I want you, I need you,” Aaron whispers against his skin, punctuating it with a touch to Robert’s forehead.

Robert’s mouth is dry, and he nods, pulling Aaron in for a messy, sloppy, languid kiss.

Having Aaron under his fingertips, at his mercy, is almost overwhelming, but his desire drives him and before long he has his fingers buried deep inside Aaron, curling towards his prostate, slowly making Aaron incoherent and pliant beneath him.

Aaron is moaning Robert’s name reverently, and Robert presses kisses to Aaron’s shoulder blades as he pulls his fingers out and puts on the condom. Aaron turns his head and kisses Robert sloppily, tongue curling around his own and driving Robert crazy.

This is what home feels like, he thinks, looking into Aaron’s smiling and hungry eyes.

Robert pushes in, and he can’t help the groan that escapes him at the feeling of Aaron wrapped around him, of being entirely buried inside his husband. Aaron gives a deep moan, pressing down so Robert is as deep inside him as possible.

Aaron’s back is pressed to his stomach as they lay on the bed, one hand pressed to Aaron’s abdomen, the other arm under Aaron’s head. Robert feels a hand on his arse, feels Aaron’s fingers clench as he whisper for Robert to move, and he doesn’t need convincing to do so. Slowly he starts moving, biting on Aaron’s neck, gasping for air at the sensations coursing through his body. It is more than just sex, it is reverent, lustful, all encompassing, and Robert is completely disconnected from the outside world.

They move together naturally, knowing when to push in and pull away, and Robert can breathe again for the first time in he doesn’t know how long, knowing that Aaron is still his like this, at his mercy, rough and loving and so unmistakably _Aaron._

Setting a tortuous pace Robert sees Aaron’s fist clench around the sheets and can tell he is grazing across Aaron’s prostate. He feels his orgasm building faster than he wants to, but seeing Aaron openly eager is more than he ever hoped for and he fights it off, wanting to draw out their pleasure. He looks up at his husband, sees the telltale signs of someone close, needing a little push off the edge, and he angles himself carefully as he pushes in, hitting Aaron’s prostate every time until Aaron comes, groaning, onto himself and the sheets.

Robert follows soon after, biting into Aaron’s shoulder as he comes at the feeling of Aaron clenching around him. He kisses the spot he was biting moments before, and hears a languid laugh from his husband.

“I’ve missed that,” Aaron says softly, pressing a kiss to Robert’s forehead.

“I have missed you so much, Aaron… I love you,” Robert whispers and seeing Aaron smile, innocently, kindly, helps mend the ache in his chest. “I never thought I’d get to do that again,” Robert admits, and Aaron just wraps his arms around him.

“I love you too, Robert.”

 

-

 

Aaron doesn’t stay that long, but they still manage a second round, and a shower. Robert kisses him at every chance he gets, drawing out their time together, and Aaron clearly doesn’t mind. Robert drops to his knees in front of him, water trailing down Aaron’s chest, and he tries to convey just how grateful he is with each stroke of his tongue. Aaron doesn't complain.

They start seeing each other regularly at Keeper’s, mostly during working hours. Aaron is eager, insisting that they were always good at the physical, so they might as well get back to it, and Robert doesn’t complain. Adam and Vic notice their sudden absences from work, but Adam ignores it entirely, and Vic giving Robert sly smiles whenever she can, telling him when she’ll be home just in case.

One afternoon when they are intertwined after a particularly satisfying fuck which makes Robert sure he will be able to feel Aaron for days, Aaron places a hand over Robert’s heart and casually suggests that he keep some clothes here, because it usually gets so dirty when he comes over. Robert can’t help but agree.

That night, Aaron packs a small bag of clothes that he drops off at Keeper’s. It’s nothing more than a spare set of clothes and some supplies, but it’s something.

 

-

 

Aaron has always been great a great device for Robert to ignore his own issues, but for once in his life, Robert wants to get past them, to work on his self worth and try and be the person he wants to be.

The best thing is, Aaron wants to help.

It’s also one of Robert’s biggest fears made reality.

 

Aaron asks Robert to have a drink with him in the pub, and Robert agrees, even though he hasn’t set foot in there in weeks and weeks. Chas has only seen him from afar, her eyes sending daggers his way, and he has managed to avoid going there. Time to face the music.

It goes smoothly until Chas comes over with two pints, setting them down on the table harder than strictly necessary.

“What’s he doing here?” she asks Aaron pointedly.

“Mum, I am having a drink with him, you know we’re trying to work stuff out,” Aaron says quietly, and Chas rolls her eyes.

“When are you going to see that he’s playing you, love?” Chas says, and people at the other tables start turning their heads. Chas either doesn’t notice, or doesn’t mind. “Once a cheat, always a cheat, and don’t tell me you enjoy sleeping in the place he slept with -”

“Mum, please,” Aaron says and looks at her with softness in his eyes. “Let us try and sort this.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to sort it, maybe I just want to make you realise what a scumbag he is. Ever since he was a child, I’ve always known he wasn’t any good, and he proved that while you were banged up, love. I’m only trying to protect you!”

Robert takes each hit, slowly shrinking in on himself, a voice ringing in his ears, an echo of what’s being said, and was has been said.

 _You’re nothing,_ and whether the voice is his father’s, or Chas’, or his own, he can’t tell.

“Mum, enough,” Aaron says, his voice harder this time. He tries to catch Robert’s eye, but Robert is lost, stuck in his own head, unable to focus on anything.

Aaron touches his arm, and Robert flinches, drawn out of his stupor by the simple touch and he looks around at the surprised faces that surround him.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters, getting out of his chair and walking quickly out of the door, not hearing Aaron’s protests or berating, not listening to anything but the sound of his feet hitting the gravel.

He walks with no direction in mind, head filled with memories, tearing and ripping at his self worth, and finds himself at the entrance to the graveyard before long.

He sniffs, realising he has tears down his cheek, and slowly walks towards his father’s grave. The ground is soggy beneath his knees, but he sits down nonetheless, staring at the headstone and trying to take deep breaths.

There’s nothing to say, nothing he can say, but he tries to calm himself, to remember the counselling and the advice and all the ways to remove the voice in his head telling him he is worthless, but his attempts are futile. He remembers his father’s face as he told him to leave, the look on Chrissie’s face when she found out about the affair, the hurt on Aaron’s face as he told him about Rebecca, and each memory brings a fresh feeling of worthlessness, of anger at others for not letting him be, anger at himself for not being good enough.

An arm wraps around him, warm and comforting and healing, and he looks up into Aaron’s blue eyes. They ground him, and Aaron wipes away some of his tears.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron says quietly, “I thought mum would be ok seeing us together, but clearly she isn’t.”

Robert shrugs, trying to make as if it doesn’t matter, but Aaron can see straight through him.

“It’s nok ok, you’re a part of the family, and she had no right to say those things about you.”

“She had every right Aaron, because she is right. I keep trying to be myself, and I keep hurting people. I’m just waiting for you to realise it’s too much, I’m not good enough, and run away.”

“Not going to happen,” Aaron whispers, and Robert lets out a hollow laugh.

“It has with everyone else who has known me. I’ve done nothing but hurt every single person who loves me, I don’t mean to, I just… I’m never the person people want me to be, and I can’t cope.”

“I know,” Aaron says, his breath against Robert’s temple. “I want you to be yourself, I want messed up, with you, and that isn’t changing. I’m here, fighting for it, aren’t I?”

Robert nods, taking in a shuddering breath.

“I’m scared,” he admits, and Aaron wraps his arm around him, “I’m scared you’re going to realise what a useless person I am, and you’re going to leave me, or kick me out.”

“Bit hard to kick you out when we aren’t living together, isn’t it?” Aaron jokes, and Robert lets out a small chuckle.

“You’ve changed so much, Robert. When we first started seeing each other, you never showed an ounce of remorse for lying and hurting Chrissie, but now, you’re completely different.”

“That’s because you’re different, Aaron, I… you let me be myself, and I’m terrified of it.”

Aaron presses a kiss to his temple, his arms still wrapped firmly around Robert’s stomach.

“I’m terrified as well,” Aaron admits, and Robert turns his head and places his forehead against Aaron’s. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to work for it, though.”

“I’m trying, I just don’t know if I’ll change, Aaron.”

“You already have,” Aaron says softly, with that tone of voice that Robert knows is reserved for him, or at least used to be.

Robert nods, and their noses touch. Aaron smiles at him, before getting up, and holding a hand out for Robert to take. He does.

“Come and binge watch some crap TV show with me for the rest of the evening?” Aaron asks, and Robert nods meekly. They walk together through the graveyard, Robert throwing a final glance at his father’s gravestone before it is out of sight.

 

-

 

Robert has always known they are two broken men, who somehow help each other mend.

Aaron’s counselling is hard on him, Robert can tell. He needs the help, but wading through the memories is taxing on Aaron’s well-being.

Aaron went through unimaginable horrors, and Robert tries his best to soothe him.

Aaron has a few panic attacks, mostly linked with feeling trapped in small spaces, or feeling threatened. Robert begins to see the signs of an attack, and slowly Aaron starts coming to him when he knows he can’t handle something.

It’s small progress, but it makes his heart soar that Aaron goes to him, that he can help, in any small way. Even though, preferably, Aaron wouldn’t need it.

Robert is woken up one night by the sound of his phone ringing, and, seeing Aaron’s name, he picks up immediately.

He can hear Aaron’s laboured breathing on the other end, and can guess what has happened; a nightmare. Before he can ask if it is what Aaron wants, he grabs a jumper and rushes over to the Mill. He finds the door open, Aaron sitting on the floor in the hallway.

His head is buried between his knees, his hands are shaking, and Robert sits down gently next to him, bringing his head up and resting it on his chest.

“I’m here, it’s ok,” he whispers into Aaron’s ear, “you’re safe.”

Aaron lets out a sob, breaking down in Robert’s arms, and Robert wants to hurt the people who ever made Aaron feel like this.

When he calms down, Robert starts stroking his hair, his cheek, and Aaron lifts his head up a fraction to look into Robert’s eyes.

“Stay?” he asks, and Robert can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips.

“Of course.”

It’s the first night he spends at the Mill since he messed up his future, but it feels good to hold his home in his arms again.

 

-

 

They are more loving in public now, getting back to what they used to be, hugging, walking closer together, but Robert keeps holding back, not wanting to push, not wanting to force something that isn’t there.

Aaron sees it, sees his hesitation, but doesn’t ask any questions.

Robert’s eyes flicker to his bare finger more now, a silent question that he doesn’t want to vocalise, and Aaron catches him looking one day, and rubs the spot with his hands.

“I don’t know if I can let you like that again, not yet,” Aaron admits one night when they are watching telly at the Mill. “I have been hurt too many times in my life by people who were supposed to care about me,” he says, and his eyes flicker to Robert’s face, who flinches, “and even though I know you’re sorry, my mind needs time to adjust, I need to trust you again, completely.”

Robert nods, but this time, he wraps his arms around him.

“I’ll wait.”

 

-

 

Robert has managed to avoid Rebecca almost entirely since Aaron got out of prison. He refuses to acknowledge her, ignores her, and it helps that he has mostly stayed at home, only venturing out for work and Aaron.

He is in Bob’s buying coffee for him and Aaron, who is sitting at one of the tables when he hears someone walk up behind him. He catches a look, and shrinks at the sight of Rebecca behind him.

He tenses immediately, anger and fear bubbling, intent upon ignoring her completely when she clears her throat and starts speaking.

“Taken you back, has he?” she says, and Robert doesn’t move an inch, doesn’t even acknowledge her presence.

“How did you convince him? Tell a few lies and he came crawling back, did he?”

“No, Rebecca, no lie to tell. I love him, and we’re sorting ourselves out, no thanks to you.”

“No thanks to me? I’m the victim here, I’m the one you used to get back at him,” she says, smirking at him.

“No,” he says, dropping his voice in fury, “you are the selfish, ignorant woman, who saw an opportunity to ruin my life, and took it. We were supposed to be friends, but friends don’t let friends make stupid mistakes that ruin their marriages, Bex. What does that make you?”

The rest of the café has noticed by now, and Aaron sits in the corner, shrinking in on himself and watching carefully. Rebecca is about to answer, when Robert cuts her off.

“You are just like the rest of your family, out for what you can get, ignoring how you affect the people around you. One good thing to come out of this is that I have finally seen what an absolute snake you are, and every second I spend in your company in the future is a second wasted.”

Robert grabs the coffees off the counter, and walks over to Aaron. His face is unreadable, and Robert stays silent, taking a sip of his americano and wincing.

“Well, that’s that,” Aaron says quietly, a small smile on his lips, and Robert lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

 

-

 

Aaron called him over  just after work, so here they are, hips grinding and fingers racing across skin on Aaron’s bed in the Mill. They still haven’t had sex there yet, and Robert has been hesitant, knowing what he did there, knowing Aaron is still working on forgiveness. But now, Robert has Aaron under him, pliant and yielding and Robert wants to touch everything, caress every inch of skin he can get his hands on. He moves to the hem of Aaron’s t-shirt when Aaron stills.

“Alright?” Robert asks.

“Yeah, I just… I need to ask you a question,” Aaron says quickly, and Robert hums in acknowledgement as he peppers kisses along Aaron’s neck, pulling the t-shirt down slightly to get at the collarbone.

“Are you… clean?” Aaron asks, and Robert freezes.

“You mean..?”

Aaron nods.

“I am, yeah.”

Aaron is visibly relieved, pressing his forehead to Robert’s as he continues.

“I got tested as quickly as I could -” and Aaron pulls away.

“You were actually stupid enough to have sex with her without protection?” Aaron’s voice is hurt, and it’s clear he was hoping for another answer.

Robert presses his chest to Aaron’s in an attempt to comfort him, and sighs.

“I can’t remember, Aaron… I didn’t know, so I went and got checked out anyway. I’m sorry, you know how sorry I am for what happened, you know I would go back and change it if I could, but I can’t…” he deflates, laying next to Aaron in the bed.

He runs a hand through his own hair, and Aaron shifts to lie above him.

“I’m sorry, I just… I wanted to be with you again, like we were before prison. I had to ask.”

Aaron places a hand on Robert’s bare chest, and Robert smiles at him.

“I know, I’m just… not happy with myself. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret it.”

“I know,” Aaron says and kisses his lips, slowly, sweetly, like nothing can come between them again. Robert draws it out, licking at Aaron’s lips until they are kissing hungrily, teeth clashing and hands once more roaming mercilessly across skin.

Robert moves his mouth to Aaron’s ear, and bites his earlobe, feeling Aaron shiver above him.

“I’m clean,” he whispers, “you’re clean?”

Aaron nods a fraction, pressing a kiss to Robert’s shoulder.

“Why don’t you take charge then?” Robert asks hesitantly, and Aaron’s head lifts in surprise.

Robert raises his eyebrows and Aaron grins.

“Fair enough,” he says, his voice hoarse with desire, and it is Robert’s turn to grin.

 

Later, with Aaron buried deep inside him, Robert can’t quite believe that this is what he gets - Aaron, blissed out, needy, rough and loving, and he spills his load on his stomach and they ride out their orgasms together. Robert feels distinctly _his,_ and it’s a feeling he never wants to lose again.

 

They lie together a while, satisfied and happy, hands gently intertwined, Robert’s head leaning against Aaron’s chest.

The scars that run across his skin aren’t pretty, but they are Aaron, and for that, they are beautiful; Robert can’t help but trace them with his fingers, seeing Aaron’s stomach rise and fall with each breath and thanking whatever made this universe that Aaron exists.

They don’t really talk about anything, exchanging random thoughts and small comments more than anything.

“This feels good,” Aaron admits, eyes following Robert’s tracing fingers.

“Yeah,” Robert whispers against his skin, pressing a kiss to Aaron’s chest.

“I want this… I want us, back again,” Aaron says, almost too quietly for Robert to hear.

“We’re working on it, aren’t we? We’re taking care of ourselves, and helping each other -” Robert is cut off by the look on Aaron’s face, at once nervous and endearing.

“I mean, I want you… will you move in?” Aaron asks.

Robert freezes, lifts himself on his side to look at Aaron.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“I want to be your husband again,” Aaron smiles as he speaks, and Robert presses a smiling kiss to his lips.

“I never stopped being your husband, Aaron,” he says, smiling sadly, and Aaron places a hand on his cheek.

“I know, Robert,” he says, and they kiss, lovingly, adoringly, with every hope for the future, and forgiveness of the past laced in their touch.

“I need to find something,” Aaron says, and Robert moves to let Aaron get up. He can’t deny that the sight of Aaron’s naked body makes his mouth water, but he tries to ignore it, instead grinning like an idiot.

“Come back to bed,” he pleads, and Aaron bites his lip.

“You won’t be saying that in a second.” He goes to the bottom drawer in the chest-of-drawers by the door to the bathroom, and picks up something so small Robert can’t see it.Aaron lies down next to him, and opens his palm.The wedding ring.

Robert hesitates, not even drawing breath.

“On one condition,” Aaron adds.

“Anything.”

“That we get married, again, properly. Sign the papers and everything… if you still want me that is.”

Robert can’t help himself; he pinches Aaron’s sides, earning a surprised laugh.

“Oi, what’re you playing at?!” Aaron protests gleefully.

“If I want you, you stupid git, course I do,” Robert grins.

“Alright,” Aaron chuckles, handing the ring to Robert. “Do the honours?”

Robert plucks the ring out of Aaron’s palm, and feels his heart leap as he sets it back on Aaron’s finger, overwhelmed with emotion. He wraps his arms around Aaron, pulling him in and hugging him close, Aaron holding on just as tightly.

“I don’t want you to ever take it off again,” Robert whispers against his skin, and Aaron smiles.

“I don’t want to - don’t give me a reason to.”

Robert presses a kiss to Aaron’s lips and whispers, “I won’t.”

 

They spend the day getting Robert’s stuff from Vic’s, and quietly unpacking, Liv comes home after school to find them kissing in the kitchen, and even though she tells them to stop scarring her, she gives Robert a smile when Aaron isn’t looking, and runs upstairs, giving them time to be together.

Robert can’t take his hands off Aaron, wrapping his arms around him every chance he gets, Aaron not protesting.

A feeling settles over Robert, a contentment he hasn’t felt in a long time, and he thinks that maybe home isn’t just about a place, but the man he holds in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea since The Incident™. Might do a reconciliation bit as well, but I'm not sure.
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: escapingreality51


End file.
